The space-time continuum was ripped apart recently. All at once, the whole world was temporarily transported back to the 1980s, where we found ourselves in a dark, noisy arcade that reeked of cheap pizza. Jeans were tight, shorts were short, and there was a crowd of kids shouting at a screen where four young, amphibious martial artists smashed wave after wave of robots.
That’s right, Dotemu and Tribute Games announced a brand new retro Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game: “Shredder’s Revenge“!
Sadly, the portal snapped shut pretty quickly when we realized that there’s no release date for the game yet, so who knows when we’ll get to play it. In the meantime, here are a few suggestions for games that you can get your hands on to hold you over.
This one is probably pretty obvious. The Battletoads franchise started it’s life as an absolute and flagrant rip-off of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, after all. Still, the most recent game is lots of fun, and rocks an outstanding hand-drawn art style that I almost wish the new Turtles game ripped off, in some sort of freak mutated animal crime-fighter ouroboros.
Fun fact: There’s a pilot for a Battletoads cartoon where the ‘Toads are teenage kids who use power rings to turn into amphibians for some reason.
Sure, you don’t fight anyone in the Overcooked games, but teamwork is just as important as it is for the Turtles. Without a Leonardo in the kitchen, it’s impossible for everyone to coordinate well enough to get meals made and served in time. Whatever you do, don’t be the Raphael who has too much attitude to work with your fellow chefs. For extra Turtle points, focus on the levels where you make pizzas!
Fun fact: Turtles can’t actually digest dairy, so April must be stopping by the organic grocery store to pick up shredded Daiya before she heads to the sewers.
Horizon Chase: Turbo
I first encountered Horizon Chase as a free mobile game that pulled me in with it’s over-the-top retro aesthetic before it pushed me away with it’s microstractions. The Turbo edition you’ll find these days does away with in game purchases to just let you soak in old school arcade racing goodness. The Turtle Van might not make a cameo in this Outrun inspired racer, but it would fit right in.
Fun Fact: Donatello would have trouble driving an actual van since Turtles don’t have opposable thumbs.
My Secret Pets!
Now, I haven’t actually played this one, but from what I’ve seen I’m pretty sure that My Secret Pets! is set in the expanded Turtles universe. This visual novel starts off with you coming home after a breakup to found four hot anime dudes hanging out in your home.
Turns out it’s your dog, cat, bird, and bunny, who have all anthropomorphized. Presumably, they are more human than Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael because they got dunked in more Ooze than the baby turtles did. From there you have to figure out which of your pets is the hunkiest or something, I’m not sure exactly what happens. I’ll be totally honest, I got distracted from the let’s play I was watching because the background music was a legitimate banger that stole all my attention.
Fun Fact: No one has been brave enough to make a game where you date the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yet.